7 years ♥♥♥

Happy 7th anniversary to my hubby! I love you so much and could not have gotten through the past few months without you! You are a good man and I know you always will be because you learned from the best. Just like my dad always said...you're a good boy.

It can only get better from here.

It has been about two and a half months since we lost my dad.  It seems like only yesterday and an eternity at the same time since the last time I saw him.  It is still so hard to believe he’s gone.  These last couple of months have definitely tested my emotions.  As if losing my dad wasn’t enough, we have faced more losses.      

My grandpa passed away on July 13^th.  His health has been declining for quite a while now, but started declining rapidly once my dad passed away.  I know he wanted to go be with his son and not be in pain anymore.  As hard as it was to say goodbye to another family member, I am glad they are together and my grandpa is finally at peace. 

Two days before my dad’s funeral, we found out that we were expecting (surprise!).  This was a surprise and a shock and it had me thinking so many things.  I initially decided right after my dad died (a totally emotional decision) that I didn’t want any more kids because my dad wouldn’t be here to know him or her and vice versa.  But once we found out we were pregnant, it just seemed so meant to be.  My dad had been telling us that we should have another baby.  Josh and I weren’t sure if that’s something we wanted right now.  But once we found out we were pregnant, we got excited and felt it was a gift from my dad. 

Fast forward to the end of July.  I started bleeding and within a couple of days we knew we were having a miscarriage.  It is another sad loss, but I am actually OK with it.  I know that miscarriages happen for a reason.  We are young and healthy and can try again.    But nonetheless, it just added to the rollercoaster of emotions that we have been on lately. 

I have been seeking counseling since my dad died.  I have talked to my counselor about my belief that everything happens for a reason, and she believes the same thing.  I was telling her that being pregnant for two months felt like kind of a waste.  I was sick and had no energy for two months, and I get nothing out of it in the end.  She brought up a very good point.  That maybe the reason behind my pregnancy, even though we lost the baby, was because I needed to slow down.  I don’t think I otherwise would have rested and given myself a break.  Grief and losing someone very close is emotionally and physically exhausting.  My body needed a break.  I needed to veg on the couch for a few weeks.  Everything happens for a reason.  And while I don’t think I will ever understand the reason behind my dad’s early and unexpected death, I do believe that everyone has a time to go.  I read something that said sometimes people go when they are their happiest.  I believe my dad was at one of, if not THE, happiest time(s) in his life. 

In a way, I am glad all of these things have happened at one time.  It is a lot to take in and feels overwhelming at times, but I can deal with all of these losses together and try to make sense of everything.  It has been good to reflect on everything in life and how everything is connected.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading that has made me see some things in a different light. 

I turn 30 tomorrow.   A part of me is dreading it because my dad won’t be here to celebrate with me.  He was making a big deal of me (and Josh) turning the big 3-0 and he wanted to have a big celebration.  His absence will be the hardest.  I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss someone.  But I am also looking forward to turning 30.  I am healthy and have a good life.  My dad would want me to celebrate, so I will, and I will try to have fun.  I am hoping 30 will be much better to me than 29 was.

Someone told me recently that it can only get better from here.  I hope so.       

For Alannah



Alannah,

You are only four and you know that Grandpa has died and that you will not see him anymore, but I don't know how much you really understand it.  I'm afraid that you won't remember him and I want you to know what a special bond the two of you had.  Grandpa loved you so much and I know he will watch over you forever.  We lived with him the first two and a half years of your life.  You two always had your special time together.  When you were first born, he would come and hold you for a little while every evening after he came home from work.  As you got older, he would take you for walks or to play outside for a little bit every day.  When you learned to talked, you called him "Crappa".  Whenever he would come home, you would run to the front door with your arms wide open and yell "Craaaaappa!" and he would imitate you and yell "Alannaaaah!".  Even after we moved from Grandpa's house, we still saw him quite often.  You loved going to his house and spending time with him.  He always made sure to come visit if it had been a while since he'd seen you.  For your fourth birthday, he got you a really pretty charm bracelet.  I'm so glad he gave you that special bracelet before he passed away.  Grandpa put two charms on it, an "A" and some ballet slippers.  Mommy and daddy will continue to put charms on it in Grandpa's honor.  One of the last times we spend with Grandpa, was spent at his house on a Sunday afternoon.  We swam in his new spa (pool-size for you) and had dinner over there.  Before we left, you and Grandpa spent a long time sitting on the couch together.  You were showing him all of your silly pictures and movies on your phone (the ipod that Grandpa got you).  He was amazed at how quickly you learned to use it and everything you knew how to do.  He was always amazed at how smart you are. 

Even though he only got to spend a little more than four years with you, he gave you enough love for a lifetime.  I hope you will remember a least a little bit about him.  He will continue to be a part of our lives forever and will live in our hearts. 

My Dad

My dad passed away very suddenly a few weeks ago.  He had a massive stroke on Sunday, May 20th and left us on May 23rd.  This was so unexpected and has devastated us all.  My dad was healthy and young. He was only 56.  He just got married in Hawaii in March.  It doesn't make sense, but I know everyone has a time to leave.  Though he had a lot of life left in him, and we all wanted so much more time with him, it was his time to leave us.  

I am trying to figure out how to live life without my dad here.  We were very close.  He was the best dad, father-in-law, grandpa, mentor, and friend.  It is almost impossible to comprehend the fact that I will never talk to him again.  He was such a good man.  There is not a person in the world that has a bad thing to say about him.  I guess it's true what they say...only the good die young.  I was off work for a little over three weeks.  I went back yesterday and it was very hard.  It doesn't seem like normal life should go on without my dad here.

We had his services this past Sunday.  We had a beautiful service and reception.  My dad's wife found the perfect spot to bury him under a giant palm tree.  I didn't want to leave him there,  I just want him back, but it is the perfect spot for him.  I spoke at his funeral.  It was hard, but I wanted to do it.  This is what I said:

Saying goodbye to my dad is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  Most of you that know me, know that I was a daddy’s girl growing up, and as an adult, my dad became one of my best friends.  We could communicate without words and shared a sense of humor that most people didn’t get.  I know how lucky I was to have him as my father.  He taught me to be open-minded and gave me life lessons that I will keep with me forever.  He was the best dad a girl could ask for.  He was also a father figure to my best friends and became a second dad to my husband. 

Throughout all of this, the common thing that almost everyone has said to me about my dad is “your dad was a good man” or “your dad had a good heart”.  I’ve known that my whole life.  His heart was so good in fact, that it is now giving someone else life.  It is a comfort to me to know that my dad’s heart is beating in someone else.  I hope that person shares my dad’s kindness, sense of humor, and love of life.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if that person started drinking iced tea every day and putting salt on everything he or she eats.    

We had plans to do so many things together and he had many plans for the rest of his life.  We were supposed to go to Vegas this summer to celebrate me and Josh’s 30^th birthdays.  We were thinking of a family trip to Hawaii next year.  While it will be very hard to do those things without him, I know that my dad wants me to continue to live a full and happy life.   And I know that he will be with me wherever I go.  I have felt him with me and felt his presence since he left us.     

My heart is selfishly broken for myself.  I wanted more time with him.  But it hurts more for my daughter who only had a little more than four years with him.  He was supposed to see her grow up and give me advice as she gets older.  I wish she had more time with him so that she could really experience what an amazing man he was.  They were so close and he loved Alannah so much.  I joked that after she was born, I got pushed to second place.  Alannah is a lot like her grandpa.  I tell her that she has his brain.  She is very smart, has a kind heart, has an amazing memory, and is funny just like her grandpa.  I hope that even though she is only four years old, that her incredible memory will help her remember her grandpa and the special bond that they shared. 

My heart also hurts for Cindy, who was supposed to have many, many more years with my dad.  My dad has always been a happy guy, but these last couple of years with Cindy, are the happiest I have seen him in a long time.  I know this is supposed to be about my dad, but I would like to take a moment to thank Cindy for making the last years of my dad’s life so happy for him.  I wish more than anything that you two could have had more time together, but I am thankful you have come into our lives and you will forever be family.  I am so thankful that my dad was able to spend the time with you that he did.    

I will miss everything about my dad.  He was typically the first person I turned to for advice.  He knew everything.  I even tried to get him to go on Jeopardy several years ago, since he watched it every night and knew all the answers, but he didn’t want to.   He had a rational mind and always knew the right solution to everything.  I will miss his cooking and our Sunday dinners.  I wish he had written his recipes down, but he stored most of them in his head.  But I think what I will miss most is our joking and teasing.  Josh and I had a lot of inside jokes with my dad and we were constantly all teasing each other.  We would text or email random things to each other and go back and forth with our silly banter.  I will miss that dad.  Please don’t stop joking with me.  By the way, the Old Spice bottle is now yours forever.  Funny, funny, ha ha.  We thought the other thing would be too inappropriate to put in there with you. 

I hope you are enjoying paradise dad.  I close my eyes and can see you sitting on a beach with Missy by your side and a cold drink in your hand.  Have one waiting for me.  We’ll all be together again one day.          

He is Gone 

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and

turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Rest in paradise dad.  I miss you more than I ever knew I could miss someone.  

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Big Girl Room Finished!

Alannah's big girl room is finally done!  When we first moved in our new house...I didn't spend too much time decorating her room.  We wanted to paint before I did anything major.  Of course that took much longer than expected.  Some time before Christmas, I started looking on Pinterest for some ideas.  Then in November, I found some bedding at Macy's that I really liked...but it was very expensive.  Right before Christmas it went on sale, so I bought it for a really good price.  After the holidays we painted the walls and bought a new bedroom set.  A few weeks ago, a friend from college came over and painted a mural on the wall.  The room is finally done and I love it!  I love that it is still girly, but not ALL pink. Oh...Alannah loves it too! Now if only we could get her to sleep in there all night...every night.

Gymnastics: One Year Later

Alannah has been doing gymnastics for a year now.  Josh jokes that we found her calling early.  ha! She is so good at it though.  I started her in it just as a way to get her involved in something and keep her active.  She loves it and really has a talent for it.  She's moved up levels a few times now.  She's now working with the big girls and goes twice a week.

Here she is on her first day of gymnastics a little over a year ago:

And here's my big gymnast now:

When she first started she could only do a somersault.  Now she's doing the splits, one-handed cartwheels, hand stands, and all kinds of other stuff.  What a difference a year makes! 

Happy ♥♥♥ Day!

Alannah Turns 4!

I officially have a four year old! Alannah turned four a couple of weeks ago.

We spent her actual birthday at Knott's Berry Farm.  It was the first time she has been there and she loved it! They have a great kiddie section.  Some of our family came along, including Alannah's cousin.  The girls had so much fun!

 
The next day we had her cowgirl birthday party...yee haw! The birthday girl was a little sick...and it was super windy...but it turned out good! We almost didn't get the jumper up because of the wind, but we were able to put it up at the last minute. I'm glad because I didn't have anything else planned to entertain the kids.  There were a LOT of people at the party and Josh and I were running around like crazy the whole time...but Alannah had fun and that's all that matters.  She got a lot of nice presents from our sweet family and friends.  The grand finale was the power wheel that mommy and daddy got her.  She was so excited to see it, but once she hit the gas pedal, she ran into a tree and started crying...lol.  Luckily, we got her out the next day to practice and she isn't scared of it anymore.  I can officially say that I am not looking forward to teaching her how to drive in 12 years.

I can't believe I have a four year old! I can still call her a toddler right?  Here's hoping this year goes by a lot slower than the last!