7 years ♥♥♥

Happy 7th anniversary to my hubby! I love you so much and could not have gotten through the past few months without you! You are a good man and I know you always will be because you learned from the best. Just like my dad always said...you're a good boy.

It can only get better from here.

It has been about two and a half months since we lost my dad.  It seems like only yesterday and an eternity at the same time since the last time I saw him.  It is still so hard to believe he’s gone.  These last couple of months have definitely tested my emotions.  As if losing my dad wasn’t enough, we have faced more losses.      

My grandpa passed away on July 13^th.  His health has been declining for quite a while now, but started declining rapidly once my dad passed away.  I know he wanted to go be with his son and not be in pain anymore.  As hard as it was to say goodbye to another family member, I am glad they are together and my grandpa is finally at peace. 

Two days before my dad’s funeral, we found out that we were expecting (surprise!).  This was a surprise and a shock and it had me thinking so many things.  I initially decided right after my dad died (a totally emotional decision) that I didn’t want any more kids because my dad wouldn’t be here to know him or her and vice versa.  But once we found out we were pregnant, it just seemed so meant to be.  My dad had been telling us that we should have another baby.  Josh and I weren’t sure if that’s something we wanted right now.  But once we found out we were pregnant, we got excited and felt it was a gift from my dad. 

Fast forward to the end of July.  I started bleeding and within a couple of days we knew we were having a miscarriage.  It is another sad loss, but I am actually OK with it.  I know that miscarriages happen for a reason.  We are young and healthy and can try again.    But nonetheless, it just added to the rollercoaster of emotions that we have been on lately. 

I have been seeking counseling since my dad died.  I have talked to my counselor about my belief that everything happens for a reason, and she believes the same thing.  I was telling her that being pregnant for two months felt like kind of a waste.  I was sick and had no energy for two months, and I get nothing out of it in the end.  She brought up a very good point.  That maybe the reason behind my pregnancy, even though we lost the baby, was because I needed to slow down.  I don’t think I otherwise would have rested and given myself a break.  Grief and losing someone very close is emotionally and physically exhausting.  My body needed a break.  I needed to veg on the couch for a few weeks.  Everything happens for a reason.  And while I don’t think I will ever understand the reason behind my dad’s early and unexpected death, I do believe that everyone has a time to go.  I read something that said sometimes people go when they are their happiest.  I believe my dad was at one of, if not THE, happiest time(s) in his life. 

In a way, I am glad all of these things have happened at one time.  It is a lot to take in and feels overwhelming at times, but I can deal with all of these losses together and try to make sense of everything.  It has been good to reflect on everything in life and how everything is connected.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading that has made me see some things in a different light. 

I turn 30 tomorrow.   A part of me is dreading it because my dad won’t be here to celebrate with me.  He was making a big deal of me (and Josh) turning the big 3-0 and he wanted to have a big celebration.  His absence will be the hardest.  I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss someone.  But I am also looking forward to turning 30.  I am healthy and have a good life.  My dad would want me to celebrate, so I will, and I will try to have fun.  I am hoping 30 will be much better to me than 29 was.

Someone told me recently that it can only get better from here.  I hope so.